barely fatal

Liberty City is a big, busy place. You walk down an alley, shoot at some passerby, who consequently run away screaming. You blow up a row of cars, po-leece turns up, you jack their car. The next day, you return to the same spot: New people, new cars, a never-ending supply of targets, which make up well for a realistic city.

When my party of four sword and magic-wielding weirdoes left whatsitsname-forest, there was no single living being left to find. All bears, spiders, bandits, wannabe orcs exterminated, the last herb harvested. And none of them will ever return.

The forest wasn’t very lively to begin with, despite the beautifully orchestrated ambient sounds. No D&D inspired squirrels. Its size seemed rather underwhelming too, and its tracks narrow, the boundaries of where my band of tragic figures could step rather artificial-feeling. And its texture … a little lo-fi.

The last thing I could do away with by installing a high-definition textures pack, which luckily did not have any impact on my frame rate. But that didn’t help with my hero’s long-breathed companions in arms. They just won’t stop talking. Like, ever. The game’s a nightmare for any honest borderline OCD personality. I have to check every dialog option. And every single crate, box, book, bookstand, … it hurts my brains if there is a strongbox which I cannot open due to my guy’s “insufficient skills”. It makes me swear. There could be great loot in there. And I can’t get to it. It doesn’t help either that the other rogue in my party consistently offers “Let me try, maybe I can help” every single time my adequately specced hero fails to open a lock. Because that character does not have any lock picking skills at all. I really wonder what my neighbors think when they hear me shout angrily “No, you can not, fuck head” every once in a while.

Right, that’s one accomplice to hate, but there are many. They are so witty, and thoughtful, and full of stories ohmegoshwillyoucometothepointalready – and there are the romance options. That should make them dear to your heart, flirting with them and all. If there wasn’t the “like-meter”. Your “friends” like or “dislike” you for your actions, however, they tend to react slightly erratic at times. Ok so they are just humans … elves … whatever, so that is bound to happen. But you influence them most by giving them gifts. So, just like in real life, you quick save, give them a gift, see if they like it enough, and if not, you reload, rinse, repeat. You gotta do it …. you want romance! Move the like-indicator from left to allllll right and bang! – you get a demure American-friendly sex scene. Still covered in blood from your last decapitation finishing move.

At least that’s what I hope I’ll get, ’cause apparently I’m not very popular amongst my friends. Maybe that’s because I kill them too often. In some random and insanely difficult encounter. Which you can only win by pausing time every half second to give new orders to the imbeciles, which basically turns the game into a very nice 3D slide show.

Now I’ve found a mod which lets me respec my hopelessly slow leveling insufficiently skilled lock cracker sociopath wannabe romancer. The fights are less painful now. But deciphering the stats bores me, the like-meter separates my real me from my henchmen companions, I never wanted to be a Grey Warden in the first place, and the pseudo-orcs can have all the Deep Mushrooms I have found in the biggest treasure chests (more than the mushroom kingdom and the smurfs together could ever dream up). Oh, and I hate DLC.

Jade Empire had me, Mass Effect had me. Dragon Age has something, maybe my OCD, but not my soul. Right. Now I have a dwarven kingdom to rescue, some heads to bash in, another gift to find for the bard, and Zevran to tell that No, he cannot try to open the fucking chest himself.