barely fatal

The end of the year is coming and I have no clue what to say. I can’t even guess what 2007 will bring, and I must confess I’m a little scared. Last year, it all looked so good around Christmas time and it turned out to be one big nightmare in January, only to turn around again to become a pleasant, if not amazing surprise success. So maybe you can feel with me when I tell you that currently, with everything going as good, I have a weird feeling about it all. I expect an ambush. A hit in the neck. A shot from the dark, to bring me down again just when everything seems to work out just fine.

These thoughts are not helping really. I have a great deal of responsibility given to me, it’s a great chance to prove myself. A great chance to screw it up, too. I should take it on, relaxed and with endless patience. That’s how I do things. Nothing can harm me. But it just doesn’t work this time. I’m nervous, I have doubts about my own abilities. No, not really, I know I can do it, get things done and get them done right. It’s the world I don’t trust, the odd feeling that something’s waiting for me, somewhere, out there. It’s a permanent threat level.

What should I do about it? Go see a psychiatrist or do what I do best: Push myself? I wish I had someone to talk to, you know, for all the details. But currently, I’m not so lucky. Slowly but surely it gets at me. Crawling. I have been here before, and lived through it. But I was younger then, and I thought I would get better at this. I got better, in many things. But it still bothers me. Things I can’t just forget or push away. They are there, I can’t deny them. The problem is, I don’t know if this is me going mad or if this is a perfectly normal reaction and me over-reacting. I need someone to tell me who I am. So I remember. Before I forget.